version 2, with parts inspired by a conversation i just had. how fitting.
One question everyone needs to keep in mind when fantasizing about an ideal way to kick the can should be, “Which catalysts for death will inspire the most interesting thoughts, prior to your meeting your maker?” This can be qualified in different ways for different people. Perhaps you want the method of death that spurs the most philosophically-charged questions; you might choose being buried alive, in that case. Or maybe you want to go with no thoughts at all, or you simply want to maintain your youthful beauty. Choose prescription pill overdose or heart attack, respectively.
Me, though? I prefer pre-mortem questions which come from far left field and are hilarious in how baffling they are — those which would make the little imaginary dark man in your brain get down on his knees and scream, “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?” (and any other number of “W” words, along with the occasional “how”).
But as good as those questions are, my ideal way to depart from this lovely planet has already been selected for years, and I’ve yet to find a better one. I want to be riding a rollercoaster which descends into a blazing inferno. I suppose the hope is that this descent into flames is really not a parallel for the moments to come after the inferno engulfs me (read: hell), but even if it was, it’d still probably be worth the risk. After all, the questions which will spring to mind prior to my skin bubbling off my body and my eyeballs melting into my skull – man, those would be some excellent questions.
Obviously, these are only hypothesized potential inquiries that have yet to prove themselves, but questions which might come to mind include (but are not limited to): “What the fuck?”; “How did a fire even get there?”; “Couldn’t they have just stopped this rollercoaster? Then again, they don’t want to stop it upside-down, because then the blood might drain to our heads, but how long does it take before that becomes a problem, anyway?”